Idle Fancies
by libertinium
Summary: Edward's forced to listen to the fantasies of the the male population of the Forks' cafeteria, and does a little fantasizing of his own, though not exactly of the same sort. Oneshot. Rated for implied sexual themes.


**Disclaimer:** If I owned Twilight, I wouldn't be posting on FF.N, yeah?

(A/N- I have a certain affinity for writing short little scenes from Twilight that I feel could happen, just fleshing out characters. I've always wondered about the "thoughts" Edward refers to whenever Bella doubts her looks, so I wrote a little drabble. Enjoy.)

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Dirty, immature, gutter-brained adolescent boys. I was, quite literally, seething as I tried to block out certain… thoughts that seemed insistent on pervading my mind. Didn't they realize just how hard it was to deal with not only MY human urges, but all of their hyperactive hormones as well?

She stared at me questioningly, an eyebrow raised as she assessed my undoubtedly strained expression. _…wearing a skirt today… _seemed to fly from that infernal Newton's corner of the room. I tried to suppress a territorial growl but it came out in a strangled choke, the corner of Bella's mouth lifted as I tried to regain a regular tone of voice. I'd been in the middle of explaining weekend camping plans with Emmett and was now reduced to a series of angry, snarling coughs.

"What's the matter, Edward? Mountain lion go down the wrong pipe?" Alice's tinkering voice floated across the lunch table, amused as she indubitably saw several versions of a new future, minus Mike Newton, and perhaps plus a few screaming teenagers, flit through her head.

Bella shot her a warning glance, ever unsure of what, exactly, was appropriate to say in such a public situation. My sister of sorts grinned in response, silently assuring her that no one could possibly guess what they were talking about. Alice, if anyone, would know that.

"It wouldn't take very long," I muttered sourly, knowing talking about it would make the urge less insistent, "they wouldn't even see me. Just a little snap and they'd go down," Bella glanced at me, concerned, as it slowly dawned on her what my irritation was amounting to.

"Who are we plotting to kill?" she whispered, trying to lighten the mood with a conspiratorial wink. I smiled half-heartedly and tightened my grip on her fragile hand as Alice answered.

"Just every teenage boy in the vicinity," the tiny girl's eyebrows furrowed for a second as she concentrated, "and maybe even a few teachers," she grinned, letting out a low whistle, "nice, Mr. Brewing." Seeing the actions so vividly in Alice's mind allowed my rage cool a bit.

That is, until Eric Yorkie made an impressive, and disturbing comeback. It had been a while since his fantasies had been in my head, they always used to make me want to take a shower afterwards with the grit they usually contained. Thankfully, these thoughts were not directed at the object of my affections this time, rather, at someone much more troubling.

It's always distressing, fantasizing about your sister. Something no man wishes to experience, regardless of, excuse the pun, the lack of blood relations. Rose sat with her legs crossed, staring idly at the opposing wall, and Eric sat with HIS legs crossed (for entirely different reasons), staring intently at her.

I shuddered and tried to push his imaginings of a study date gone, in his opinion, very, very right out of my mind, focusing instead on the subtleties of Bella's face. I was halfway through memorizing the exact way her lips cocked to the side while she was waiting to someone to finish their sentence when I caught a glimpse of Alice whispering something to Rosalie that made her vacant expression turn livid.

Perhaps I'd allowed myself a passing fancy to get up and beg Yorkie, on my knees, to stop, if only for my own sanity. In any case, the tall blonde shot him a glare worthy of the phrase "if looks could kill" and he abruptly remembered that he had to be anywhere but in her eye line at that exact second, walking out of the crowded room, his pants suspiciously tighter than usual. I let a small chuckle slip past my defenses and Bella glanced from Alice, to Rosalie, to Eric, and then to me.

"What was all that about?" She asked, leaning her head on my shoulder. I shook my head, a smile still on my lips, too amused to let even Tyler Crowley's hungry eyes bother me. I pressed my lips to hers, a little bit longer than necessary, knowing the jealous thoughts buzzing in my head were not my own in the least. I pulled back finally, to let her draw a sharp breath, before replying.

"Do me a favor," I murmured, and she kept her eyes closed but nodded, a contented smile gracing her features, "don't **ever** go over to Eric's for homework help."

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(A/N-Please review! I hope you liked it. I've been in a oneshot-y sort of mood lately.)


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